Oxymoron: Song #3: Collard Greens
I know I said I wasn’t going to post a story this week, but the constant ques. So this is more like a short update/follow up to last week’s story. First of all thank you to everyone who watched or participated on the IG Live. I really enjoyed it. Second of all I’ve been asked about collard greens all damn week. I’ve had some interesting conversations and learned a lot. Third of all here we go with a short story I call “Collard Greens”
It started with a text message to my aunt last Friday morning at 10:02am. “Hey do you remember that time when (insert the little cousin’s name) was here telling us how he cooked collard greens?” I received a response at 10:05am. “Yes. All that meat in the greens. Smoked neck bones, pigtails. Did you talk to him on the phone? Smoked turkey.” I love how she remembered number 1. I love how she started naming meat number 2. And number 3 I love how she stopped naming meat to ask if I talked to him, then went BACK to naming more meat.
So what this led to was a phone conversation last night in which she started naming even more meat, “Child he put all that meat in them greens, ham hocks, Joe Louis Strip(whatever the **** that is!) Actually I know its meat and she made me cook with it before. My mother being the smart person she was did not partake of those “collard” greens that time and both my aunt and I ended up sick as hell. Anyway back to her naming more meats “Pig’s feet I mean all that meat.” At this point I’m curious to see how many more pig parts she would name, or would she move on to another animal. “I asked him why his wife doesn’t cook.” *In her Charleston accent* “That gal can’t cook!” *back to her Savannah voice* “You know they are from Charleston and they got that heavy accent.” “You know he never drove over here, probably because he was drinking too many bares(beers) on the way over. This was my moment to jump in “Hey didn’t (insert dead cousin’s name..RIP) die from a heart attack. “No child, it was a blood clot. He was nice. I really do miss him.” *wipes brow*(ok cool so the pig with a side of “collard” greens didn’t kill him).
It was at this time I figured I would jump in. “Hey I had to get some greens, since I planted mine late..*interrupting me* “I’M NOT CUTTING THEM!” “Seriously! Come on!” “NO!” “Fine then I’ll do it myself.” “I got arthritis in my lower back, I can’t stand up long. And my knife is rusty and dull.” Thinking to myself “Why the **** is your knife ru...nevermind.” “I’ll bring you a knife.” “Ok fine bring them here tomorrow, and I’ll do it.”
At 11:45 this morning I heard the horn. She was outside of my house to pick up the greens. I had them in a bag, and a knife wrapped up for her. What’s the first thing she does? UNWRAP THE GOTD*MN KNIFE AND RUN HER FINGER OVER THE BLADE!. So I raise my voice(because I can’t yell)..STOP ITS SHARP! “Oh yea you’re right. Maybe I should use my knife. “THROW THAT AWAY!” “Ok come by in an hour I’ll have them ready for you. 45 minutes later she’s honking again, and what do I get? Yep, that big a$$ ziploc bag, HALF full of “collard” greens. “What is this? Where are the rest?”
“Well I cleaned them, and you know they cook down. Maybe you should have gotten another bunch.” “NAW I”M COOL!” “Oh and I forgot your knife! I’m going to the bank and I’ll bring it back.” That was 6 hours ago. I think she stole my knife! *checks my phone to see if she called..NOPE!*
No exaggeration everyone I’ve talked to in the last 5 days has asked me a question about mustard,turnip, and/or collard greens!
“How do you cook your (collard) greens?”
“You don’t like mustard greens?”
“Did your cousin really die of a heart attack?”
“Did your mother really cook greens out of a can?”
I honestly never thought that that last week’s story would spark such interest. But it brought people to the website(that I pay for every month!) which I appreciate. And since you’re here you might as well head on over to the “Living A D.O.P.E. Life tab and make your life while helping a 39 year old child in Georgia eat(didn’t see that coming did you?) Have a D.O.P.E. Thanksgiving and don’t mention “collard” greens to me for at least a week! Also if you see any typos in this, I apologize I was entertaining a “collard” question and glanced over the grammar check!
(I tried to listen to Oxymoron By ScHoolboy Q, but I ended up just listening to “Collard Greens” on repeat. Shout out to Kendrick Lamar!)
