Guess Who’s Back
Guess who’s bizack! Ok remind me to never ever say that again in life! Anyway I’m back! I’m alive! I’m COVID free! And I missed telling y'all stories. Truth be told I needed that random unscheduled break, minus you know the lung pain, headaches, fatigue and all that other unpleasant sh*t! But I’m not focusing on that, it's the first week of 2021. Yea I had to start over on the 11th, because well we know what happened. Alright let’s get to it. This is a story about me and Pat. I should have said “Pat and myself”, or “Pat and I” because those are grammatically correct. But I don’t see any English teachers here, so it’s ME AND PAT!
As many of you know I run a community garden for my fraternity. It’s in a neighborhood located near the local university. Now prior to 3 years ago I’ve probably spent 2 hours in this neighborhood in my 39 years of living. Now I’m there 2 hours minimum a week. Because I’m there often most of the local residents recognize me. Everyday someone honks, waves, some stop to talk to me, even the mailman always waves. I have had a good relationship with everyone. Everyone except Pat!
Pat is this little lady, literally she’s about 4’11 I think she might be around 69 or 70. She drives a huge SUV, and she must sit on pillows or a booster seat. She has a hearing aid that I swear doesn’t work, and to top it all off she’s always talking sh*t! For a few weeks I would see Pat riding by, not speaking just looking. One day Pat stops and starts talking. When I’m there I’m usually in a zone, so I’m not one for much conversation. Well Pat decides to stop that day and talk. Now it’s cold as hell outside,not Savannah cold either this was real cold! So I'm trying to hurry and finish so I can go home. Well Pat(still sitting in her booster seat) decides to start talking. “That ain’t no garden! You should see my daddy’s garden. He’s got field’s for days!” If you know me, then you know what I thought to myself. For those of you who don’t know me…”I don’t give a f*** about your daddy, or his damn fields!” Now because I’m respectful I said “Well yes ma’am I’m trying, it’s only been about a month.” Pat replies, “You need to cover that stuff it’s about to freeze tonight.” “Oh no ma’am they are winter crops, they’ll” *tires squeal* At this point I’m looking at Pat’s license plate. So I’m standing there freezing saying to myself “Her little a$$ just peeled out on me mid sentence!”
That was 2018 and Pat and I have been beefing silently ever since! She would ride by, no honk, no wave, nothing. If we had a gathering, she would walk past me, nothing. I would see her and say “Oh s***, she’s here.” So y'all are probably wondering why I got beef with a little old lady. I don’t have beef with Pat, Pat has beef with me. Well we had beef.
November 2020 Pat stops by one day as I’m making benches, and clearing out beds. She walks around and asks me “What kind of bean is that?” “It’s a long bean Pat! Would you like some okra too?” So I give Pat a long bean, and some okra. And we just begin to talk about vegetables and biscuits. This is where I learned that Pat is a talker. Pat talked and talked and talked. It made me wonder if she had been holding this all in for the past 2 years. Hell when she finished talking I was ready to go home.
December 31st, 2020 I ran out to the garden to do something really quick, and as I’m driving up I see a tiny figure and a 3 wheeled bicycle with a basket in the back standing over the herb bed. “Aww s*** Pat’s here!” I park and Pat is staring intently at the rosemary bush. “Hey Pat!” She replies “Is this thyme?” No its rosemary” That’s what I thought it was...thyme!” What the hell Pat I just said rosemary! For 20 minutes whenever Pat said something I had to reply twice. I spoke in her good ear, I spoke in her hearing aid ear, I had to raise my voice. S*** must not have been working! I pulled a long bean off the vine and gave her one because she always asked about them. I said here take this it’s ready for you to take the seeds out, and you can plant them in the spring. So I continue with what I’m doing and Pat continues to talk “Ohh look at all those marigold seeds.” “Take some Pat!” “NO NO NO my shoulder, I can’t plant anything.” Then Pat walks over and tells me to hold out my hand. She pulled all the seeds out of the bean I gave her, and put them in my hand. “Here you plant these.” Then she pulled a rubber glove out of her pocket(random) and told me to put the seeds in it so I wouldn’t lose them.
We then began to talk about her father’s fields and what she likes and doesn’t like about certain vegetables and herbs.What should have taken me about 5 mins, ended up taking 30 thanks to Pat, but I enjoyed talking/yelling with her. And with that Pat and I squashed our beef. Well I thought we did, because I saw her in the grocery store last week and she damn near hit me with her cart as she was walking out. Not only did she not apologize, she didn’t speak! Here’s to 2021 and me and Pat…...This story was D.O.P.E.
(This story was written as “The Fix” by Scarface served as the background soundtrack. Released August 6, 2002)
