Soul Food
It took me an hour to start writing this one, and I kept laughing which delayed me even more. I will not have a story next week, so read this again next week and act like it’s new! Actually I started and stopped for about 12 hours and started over. At first Dr Dre’s 2001 was the album inspiration because it was released 20 years ago this week, but I ended up switching to Goodie Mob’s Soul Food because it’s a dope a$$ album and it turned 25 earlier this year. So sit back and enjoy.
In the African-American community there are 3 foods that you better not mess up! Who am I kidding you better not mess a damn thing up! But the big three are probably macaroni & cheese, potato salad, and (collard)greens! This is a story about (collard)greens. I’m not even going to call them collard greens, because according to my family if I meant mustard or turnip greens I would have said so!
My family origins(in this country) are Savannah, Georgia and Kingstree, South Carolina by way of the “Middle Passage.” There are a few folk scattered in Charleston(we’ll talk about them later),the other probably 90% reside in the Savannah area. We do 3 things well; drink alcohol,eat rice,and eat(collard) greens. If there was a (collard)greens olympics we would dominate the competition. The only issue is the preparation. We all have a different way, and they all taste different. So let’s take a journey and find out.
In 1976 my parents got married and relocated to either Virginia or Connecticut, it’s not like I was around to know. Well my mother decided to get fancy and explore preparing different cuisines, not typically southern. Diversity is good, but not in this case! (Probably why they got divorced..I kid). So when I came around 39 years and 5 months ago(1981 if you don’t feel like doing the math) I was exposed to everything but “southern cuisine” or “soul food.” Now the things I’m about to say next might shock some of y'all who know me, and you might even try to revoke my “southern card.” *clears throat* I didn't like or eat grits or (collard) greens very often. Oatmeal and turnip greens were my preferred choices. This explains why I can’t cook grits today. We’ll talk about grits later. Let’s get into the turnip greens.
When I was new to gardening a few years ago, a fraternity brother planted some turnips in our community garden. I told him “I don’t think I’ve ever had a turnip.” He asked if I had ever had turnip greens, I said sure that’s all my mother cooked. “Well son the turnip is just the bottom part of the greens.” “WHAT!” This is the part where you learn that my mother only cooked turnip greens that came in a can. And to get fancy, she would cook bacon and throw a few pieces in. And in those cans were little white pieces that I never ate. That’s right..the turnip! Every Thanksgiving and Christmas we had turnip greens(from a can), and they were good so hell why would I try anything else? Oh there’s another reason!
As I’ve mentioned before my grandmother had a stroke in her mid 40’s so from that point on my aunt took over the cooking full time. Now please forgive me for this, because my aunt is my favorite person in the world, but she can’t cook worth a damn! My mother would say “Oh she would be cooking,and it would smell so good! Then we would bite into it and it would be so terrible!” So guess who’s (collard) greens I had the pleasure of tasting first? YEP….my aunt’s. I think I was about 5 years old. I can still see the pot in my head. I took one bite and didn’t touch a (collard) green until I was about 20. If I went to someone’s house and they had them..”No thank you, I’ll pass.” I hated even smelling them. And I smelled them a lot! Because it seemed like my aunt cooked (collard) greens all the damn time! I’m not exaggerating my family cooked (collard) greens like at least 4-5 times a month. And I was disgusted each and every time.
Now back to my mother(RIP)I don’t know what happened, but when I went away for college she decided to cook (collard) greens. They were pretty good, which made me wonder why she denied me this for 15 years! No more turnip greens for us we were a (collard) green family now. This was around the time I started getting into cooking so I would pick her brain for tips. Now my mother wasn’t the best cook either. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. I never invited any friends over for dinner, but I ate it. So I’ve got my aunt to my left, and my mother to my right. I knew how much I loved to eat, so hell I had no choice but to create my own cooking lane. I made it a priority to be a better cook than both of them! This is where the cousin’s from Charleston come in.
My mother and aunt had 4 first cousin’s who live in Charleston, and would come to visit once a year. They would throw the Heineken in the cooler(never share) and ride the two hours from Charleston to Savannah. Well one visit, I think I was 22 we got into a conversation about food. “The little one” as my mother would call him, had maybe one to many Heinekens and suddenly yelled “Ya’ll don’t know how to cook no gotd*mn (collard) greens!” I nodded, because my aunt damn sho couldn’t! So mother cuts her eyes at him and says “Then tell me how!” He’s still yelling,“First ya’ll need to get some smoked neckbones, smoked turkey necks, and smoked ham hocks!” My mother “Damn you’re going to give somebody high blood pressure!” Me thinking”Cuz you are trying to give us a heart attack?”(Sad sidenote:His brother who was sitting right there next to him actually had a heart attack and died a few years later. My first thought was “Was it them damn (collard) greens...forgive me cuz..RIP). So after we got over the shock of a pot full of meat with some (collard) greens thrown in, he proceeded to tell us the rest of his recipe. Y'all know what happened next? I took notes, and used his recipe...3 meats and all!
Over the next few years I manipulated, played around, added and subtracted(all that damn meat) from his recipe. My only downfall was I had to use the bag of pre-cut (collard) greens because I had no idea how to cut and wash greens. This is where my aunt comes back into the story. My mother the last few years of her life became a paraplegic then later a quadriplegic. So I began to come home for Thanksgiving. Now I had become pretty nice in the kitchen, but they didn’t know this. I had everything ready and my aunt asked “Where are the (collard) greens?” I don’t have any…”WHAT?” My first thought;”Why are y'all always yelling?” So I calmly repeated, “I don’t have any.” “OH NO! I’ll be back.” About 2 hours later she comes back with the biggest ziploc bag I’ve ever seen. I didn’t even know they made bags that big. In it are the most beautiful (collard) greens I had ever seen. “I cut them up and washed them 3 times for you.” So I could that big a$$ bag of greens. Both of them had the audacity to say “they were ok.” “OK...JUST OK?”(now I’m yelling,must be a family thing.) “Wait until next year I got yall(a$$es).”
I spent the next few years perfecting my (collard) greens. If you’ve ever had them, you can agree. My only downfall was that I was still using the pre-cut (collard) greens. And up until last year if I asked her my aunt would wash(3 times),cut, and put them in a big a$$ ziploc bag for me. We had a system, but I guess she got tired of me because I picked some (collard) greens and took them to her. This is when she dropped the bombshell “Look if you’re growing your own (collard) greens you have to learn to wash and cut them yourself. I was appalled! I said to her “We’ve got a good thing going here! You wash and I cook!” “Not anymore”…(insert shocked face). “This is the last time!”
A few weeks later I’m in the garden picking (collard) greens and another fraternity brother(RIP) stops by. I ask if he knows how to cut (collard) greens. He said “I do now, one day my wife made me cut my own, and my sister wouldn’t do it.. So I pulled out the scissors and learned the hard way.” (This was indeed the hard/wrong way.) He looks at me and says “You’ll figure it out!” I gathered my basket and went home to figure it out. It was actually easier than I thought it would be. Now if you think I’m going to sit here and explain how I did it...Naw. Just know that I did it, and they came out damn good as usual.
Over the last few years Thanksgiving has become my favorite holiday. Before I moved back my aunt and mother would call me and make their requests. Random people would stop by for a plate. Every year I get asked several times “So what are you cooking?” This week alone my phone has been going off “Hey how do you cook your…” I really enjoy cooking, and being able to cook the food that you’ve grown from seed is even more satisfying. I hope ya’ll have enjoyed this trip down (collard) green memory lane. RIP to all those who are no longer with us, we’ll always have the memories. Happy Thanksgiving(in advance) to everyone. Tell your folk you love them as often as you can. I pray everyone has a good holiday and even better (collard) greens. This story was D.O.P.E
(This story was written as “Soul Food” by Goodie Mob served as the background soundtrack. Released November 7th, 1995)
