Like it Like That

Alright no need to beat around the bush. This story is about Kale. Perhaps this will shed some light into our relationship. In October we will have known each other for 19 years, and I’ve never really spoken on why we don’t get along. Let’s go back in time.

It was a nice crisp and sunny autumn October Sunday in Fort Washington, Maryland. Birds were chirping, rabbits were scurrying around, and for the first time in my life I actually noticed the leaves changing colors. (Growing up in Georgia most of the trees stayed green, then boom all of a sudden my mother was making me rake up brown leaves.) I was 23 years old with way more hair on my head and much less gray in my beard. Was I taking a walk outside?...No. Was I planting seeds?...No. I was being lazy as hell because I randomly stumbled upon the non stop music video channels on cable. At that point it was day 2 filled with 12 hours of music videos. I was in heaven, but I was also hungry. Then I remembered the neighbor telling me “Hey man if you get hungry this weekend, come buy and get a plate.”

As much as it pained me to leave my videos, I got up and headed next door. I rang the doorbell and his “wife”(that’s an entirely different story) told me “Everyone is downstairs!” Everyone? Umm ok. So I proceed downstairs and I swear it was like the opening scene of “Harlem Knights” minus the guns(I hope). I think there was a poker game, a spades game, a bid whist game, and random kids riding around in toy cars. Now when I walked over there were no cars parked outside, so all of these people were a huge surprise to me.

“Hey man! Get yo a$$ in there and grab a plate!” Ummm ok. “Matter of fact naw, let me fix you one.” Ummm I’m ok I ca…..”Get some of sh*t right here!” *chicken and dumplings get thrown on my plate* I don’t really ea….”Don’t forget the kale! I cooked this sh*t for hours with(insert something random).” *kale gets thrown on my plate* Kale? I’ve never had Kale. “Man you’re going to love this sh*t…..you play spades?” Actually no I don’t play sp……”What the hell do you mean you don’t play spades? Didn’t you go to Howard?” *room breaks out into laughter* So at this point I’m standing in a basement holding a plate of chicken and dumplings and kale while a bunch of 40 year old men are laughing at me(the kids were probably laughing too.). Now at this point I’m ready to defend myself about my lack of spades playing ability so I raise my voice slightly and say “YES I WENT TO HOW…” But I stopped myself because like I said it was reminiscent of “Harlem Knights” and I was not trying to end up like the guy who caught a hot one to the forehead. I refused to die over a plate of chicken and dumplings...that’s just embarrassing. “Ok yea thanks for the plate, I’m going to go back next door.” I said spoken in the lowest, most nonthreatening tone.

I leave with my plate(sweating like hell) so I can get back to watching my videos. Once I’m back on the sofa I uncover the plate and started eating. Chicken and dumplings were not my thing(still aren’t). The kale was phenomenal! I ate it all. Well a short time later, the kale said “You should probably stop watching videos, and I’m going to help you out.”

I won’t get into details, but it was as bad as you’re probably thinking. So bad I didn’t touch kale again for 10 years. So let’s fast forward to 2014. I had just gotten a co-signer so that I could eat at the hot bar at Whole Foods(seriously, their prices are outrageous). As I’m adding the smallest amounts of food to my plate I see the most beautiful leafy green vegetable. “What is that? Oh its kale? It smells amazing! Maybe I had a bad batch before….YOLO” Well “YOLO” quickly became “Oh hell no!” A short time later(whatever you thought happened the first time) happened again.

At this point I’m using every swear word I can in regards to kale. Now I was a kid who loved every vegetable except beets. If my mother put it on my plate I ate it. So imagine my disappointment when I discovered Kale and I didn’t get along. I was devastated! I was hurt! I felt betrayed! Is that dramatic enough? Ok cool.

So let’s fast forward to around this time in 2016. It's been 12 years since Kale and I first met. I was planning my very first fall garden, and looking through a seed catalog. I was ordering all my favorites and then I flipped the page and what do I see? Five different types of Kale! I ordered three of the five. “Surely if I’m growing my own, the results will be different! Maybe I had the wrong varieties before!” I was so excited! The seeds grew into the most beautiful plants. I could not wait to harvest and cook them. The day finally arrived for me to eat the Kale that I had grown.

So AGAIN whatever you think happened….Yes it happened again. It was at that point I walked outside, looked at all my Kale plants and said “I hate you! I hate all of you!” I have not consumed Kale since that day, nor will I ever consume Kale ever again in life. I treat it like an allergy these days. I read every label to make sure there is no Kale. I ask “Is there Kale in this spring mix?” When asked if I was Kale I usually reply “No thank you I don’t like it like that.”

The crazy part is that I grow the most amazing Kale plants. I mean they are stunningly beautiful. I just harvest the leaves and give them to anyone who wants them. They are a staple in my fall gardens. Yes, I'm breaking my own rule by growing something “I don’t love.” Well technically I love the visual, that counts for something right? I tried to establish a good relationship, I shot my shot! And on that note let me go water my Kale seedlings…. So yea that’s my KALE story.

(This story was written as “The Love Movement” by A Tribe Called Quest served as the background soundtrack. Released September 29th, 1998)